i kept hold of everything, just in case
how do you heal a wound that reopens every now and then?
Hi. I feel I must start this newsletter with an explanation as to where I have been these past few months. A lot of things have happened in my life since the last time I was able to post a newsletter, and while I wouldn’t say I was that busy, I just didn’t have the energy to write anything at all, and on the rare occasions that I did write, I didn’t feel like sharing them with anyone, storing all of my writings away in my docs for me to come back to someday soon.
Anyway, how are you, my dear reader? I hope you’ve been well. I hope the year has been treating you kindly thus far, and if it isn’t, then I hope things will get better for you soon. Truly, from the bottom of my heart, I wish all the best for you.
The other day, I was going through my drafts on Twitter when I yet again found something that I stored away on my drafts some months ago, and in it I said: “suddenly remembered something that has hurt me in the past and i found myself feeling mad about it again, and i’ve always been like this, really. i don’t think i ever really move on from all the pains i’ve experienced and i hold onto all of them. is it because i care too much? ocean vuong said that care is the aftermath of anger, but i think for me it’s the opposite. anger, for me, is the aftermath of care. otherwise i wouldn’t even be mad in the first place if i never cared at all. i guess that’s why i’m angry about a lot of things”.
I don’t even remember what experience I was talking about at that time. But it still speaks true that I never really move on from all the hurt I’ve gone through. It may seem silly or pathetic, maybe, but every now and then I’d be reminded of a painful experience and I’d find myself mad all over it again as if it just happened to me recently and not a few months or years ago.
Emily Berry, The Numbers Game
I was very young when I was cracked open.
some things you should let go of
others you shouldn’t
views differ as to which
I kept hold of everything, just in case
I don’t really know how to let go of things. I’ve never been good at doing so, and I don’t know if I’ll ever learn. I still ache all over from the things that hurt me—ones that I’ve never talked about, forever hidden in the deepest darkest parts of my heart; and the ones that the people around me know about. They still hurt me all the same, still maddens me to think about, and I don’t know what to do with all of it. How do you heal a wound that reopens every now and then? How do you learn to be okay with things that still haunt you every waking day of your life?
I wish I knew better. I wish I knew any other way to deal with all of this hurt other than being angry about it. I wish I could easily let go of my pains, but just as much as my fond memories are what has shaped me into the person that I am now, these painful memories that I sometimes wish I never went through are also part of the me that exists now. I wouldn’t be who I am now if I’ve never gone through any of them, and sometimes I wonder if one really must go through so much to learn better. Is pain really necessary for growth? I don’t think it is. I think you can still grow where there is warmth and joy. But maybe this is just how life is. You go through good things and you go through bad things and it ultimately shapes you into the present you, and while it would be nice to have never gone through certain things in life, what happened has already happened and the best thing we can do is to move forward and figure out what to do with all of that pain. Some learn to let go of what hurt them, some learn to live with them.
But to some of us, it becomes a wound that never stops hurting; a ghost refusing to accept its death, still haunting its home.
What I’ve been up to recently
Practicing slow living — something I started to establish in my daily life since this year started. There’s so much joy in existing slowly and taking my sweet, sweet time in everything, appreciating the process of whatever I’m doing.
Lots of reading and watching — I’ve been reading a lot of manhwas and mangas recently, as well as watching tons of anime and kdramas. They’ve been such a joy to do to pass time and fill in my lonely days.
Getting into new things — I’ve gotten into a lot of new things for the past few months, and I’ve also stopped being into certain things. It’s how life is.
Pieces of media I’ve been loving
Omniscient Reader’s Viewpoint — a story that’s ultimately a love letter to its reader. Discovering it has been such a joy and changed my life in a way I never expected it would. Now, its become such a huge part of who I am.
Sakamoto Days — a manga that I randomly picked up one day and came to love and enjoy so much. It’s an enjoyable read that never gets boring and has a lot of likeable characters.
Till next time,
Ji
🤍🫂