am i the only one who’s like this?
Hello, my dear reader. It’s been so long since I’ve last written to you. How are you? I hope you’ve been well.
As for me, life has been… hard. There were a lot of happy days, I admit, but there were relatively a lot more hard days in my life recently especially since August has arrived.
I’ve been thinking a lot these days about life and growing up, and as my teenage years are about to reach its inevitable end soon, I can’t help but worry about what the future holds for me. Mostly, I’m worried about how I’m gonna go through everything, how I’m gonna live my life for the next few years.
I’ve always had a fear of growing up and becoming an adult. To me, the scariest thing is to grow up and to have to learn to do things by myself, because honestly speaking, even until now I feel like I’ve never really grown at all. I still feel like a kid and maybe it has to do with the fact that the pandemic had taken away my youth and robbed me of my chance to grow up in the real world. Or maybe because I’ve been coddled all my life and treated like a child and now that everyone’s expecting me to start acting like the grown-up I’m supposed to be, I have no idea what to do.
I think sometimes I’m the only one who’s like this; that while I know a lot of us have the same worries about growing up and we’re all afraid of becoming adults, often it feels as if I’m the only one who’s unable to carry on with life. Everyone around me seems to be adjusting well, meanwhile I wake up every day wanting to just run away. Am I really just the only one who feels like this? Am I really just the only one who’s aware that I have to grow up and start getting a job like everyone else or I’d be doomed, and yet I can’t seem to do anything? Am I really just the only one who feels stuck and afraid?
But then maybe I just feel like this because I’m weak-minded.
I know I’ve never really been mentally strong as a person. When things get hard for me, my first immediate thought is to give up and run away. I’ve never been good at facing things head-on, always crying at every minor inconvenience in my life and hiding myself away. I guess my life up until now has just been a series of me running away from everything until they eventually catch up to me and I’m then forced to finally face my problems.
It’s always been like that for me, always wanting to give up when faced with hardships in my life. And right now, I want to give up again. I want to run away and just hide forever.
And I admit, I admit a lot of times I’ve thought that the best solution I could come up with for all of my problems is to simply end it all. I never even thought I would ever reach 20 because I’d always thought I’d be gone by then. And yet here I am. Even with simply ending it all I find myself running away from, because it’s just as scary. Maybe it’ll eventually catch up to me, too, just like everything else. I don’t know. Right now, I just wish to run away from everything.
I hope you won’t be like me, dear reader. I don’t think running away is bad per se and I think sometimes we do need to run away when things get a little bit too much, but I hope you’d still have the courage to face things head-on after running away from them for a while. I hope you can be brave enough to face the hardships in your life and to stay unwavering even amidst strong currents.
I truly hope you can always keep going, despite, despite. And I hope the same for me, too.
Wishing you all the best,
Ji